It Struck Me

I firmly believe in karma, and so therefore, it struck me.

I see myself in Alex when I used to be with Carl Michael¬†when we were still living together. Typically, I would build a strong wall of silence as my defense mechanism so people close to me can’t attack me emotionally. As a matter of fact, I have mastered the ways of apathy and giving cold treatments. These are just one of the best ways when my gut tells me that something is not right.

Use of social media to rant. I do this everyday but not to the point when it starts involves other people. Likewise, I used to post whatever was on my mind. Remember, when Lester and LA were hiding behind my back? Remember when Carl used to tell me that he was hurt whenever I do this. My personal preference of not commenting to your posts was an idea to avoid the miscommunication that may happen because of my degrading humour. Now, it struck me.

Force feeding won’t work. The more you force me to open or say what’s on my mind, the more I’ll grasp for more privacy. I have made myself clear that dealing with intrapersonal issues is harder than having relationship with other people, and I mean this! Now, it struck me.

Feeling of acceptance over insecurity. When you can’t find acceptance within yourself, you get it from others. I have a bad habit of stalking people online and rummaging whichever logs I could find. With that said, I don’t see the point of giving out your number on mIRC when I am at work. I am guilty of opening Scruff or Grindr because I like seeing hot guys, but God knows I do not flirt. Or you’re telling me behind me that you’re back with your old filthy ways of getting attention from other people because you cannot get it from me? Your nick anaconda suits your scuzzy ways of sneaking regardless if you use a fake profile or your GayRomeo account. Now, it struck me.

Frustration leads to physical abuse. Carl has a more masculine physique compared to I – it must have been the hormones innate to him. But I remember that when we used to have big fights, we would use physical strength and piercing words to attach against each other. I am so over that. As much as I could contain, I would. I think my fighting skills have honed well attending freelance MMA and Body Combat. I’ve dealt pretty well on my anger management, but now, it struck me.

The image has been a used by him, Carl, a lot of times during his stages. It came to a point that I could relate to Chasing Pavements. I should have adopted heterosexual’s stages of relationship – should have not skipped courtship and now, it struck me.

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