A Visit

Ever since my father was gunned down, I told to myself not to follow any religious organization, worshiping idolatries or even pray to someone whom I cannot see. My studies in Sciences and Mathematics added to my belief to stay agnostic theist for the rest of my life until earlier.

For the past few days, overcoming depression makes it easier because I have Jayvee that guides me and makes me happy. Work is a good distraction plus doing smoke helps me relax at night when I am alone just like tonight. But for the past weekend, my mood has not changed a bit. It became worse earlier morning when I had no tasks to do at work because the preceding tasks were not yet finished. So, the whole day, I was idle… very dangerous to my fickle-mind.

It is true, even backed by Social Sciences and Psychology, that people find peace in religion. It brings them security that Someone above them is watching and guiding them everyday; evaluating deeds and misdemeanors while you, pray for a Supreme being wishing that you would be granted with your simple needs and wants in life; thanking Him for the generosity you have been receiving ever since you started breathing and saying your apologies for the things that may have harmed other people or yourself.

My father was agnostic, too. I remember that during his past 40’s, something has changed – he asked the local parochial priests to hold weekly night Christian masses in our frontyard where people actually attended Catholic-like church service! It could be that he was undergoing midlife crisis or he thought that religion could help him better peace. I also remember that I almost converted into Born Again Christian while attending highschool in a Christian school. If only I did not rebel against my father, I may have been actively participating in religious activities.

So, earlier, I decided to kneel down, look up, offered 5 minutes of my time and talked to Him. Overall, it was refreshing. I shed some tears while I offered myself that I will fight this depression no matter how down I am today, because I will be better soon.

While reading some current events on young adult being affected with mental disorder, I found some local numbers whom I can talk with in case my friends are not available.

Information and Crisis Intervention Center
(02) 804-HOPE (4673)
0917-558-HOPE (4673) or (632) 211-4550
0917-852-HOPE (4673) or (632) 964-6876
0917-842-HOPE (4673) or (632) 964-4084

In Touch Crisis Lines:
0917-572-HOPE or (632) 211-1305
(02) 893-7606 (24/7)
(02) 893-7603 (Mon-Fri, 9 am-5 pm)
Globe (63917) 800.1123 or (632) 506.7314
Sun (63922) 893.8944 or (632) 346.8776

It Creeps

No matter how much I try to get out of this state, everything seems to be so hard, stagnant and dark. It only eases the burden when I am with my boyfriend but as soon as he’s gone, whatever I do, my mind just sulks me to my bed or on the couch, watching TV the whole day as if I do not have any chores to do or just stares at the ceiling, being drawn into this dimension that covers my whole body with dissent seclusion.

How do you bring back to your own senses when you feel like no hope is left?

This is just not an episode of bad mood. It has been ongoing for more than half a month and it is consistent. Surely if I consult, I will be tagged as another statistic of a young man undergoing depression. The recent events definitely aggravated it but hormonal imbalances would be the one of the culprits. I am thinking of pre-terminating the dose of one of the staple SERMs I am taking just to check if this drug causes it.

It is tiring, exhaustive and dragging. Each day, it slowly changes the way I perceive life, like a deafening silence that one by one, takes away those whom you used to love to do and be part of. More like walking towards a very dark, cold and long tunnel, but as you walk towards the fading light, it seems the end of it just moves farther away that most of the times, you just want to stop walking and just give-up.

At the end of the day, how much you try to forget those memories that may bring back the pain, the more it rushes to your imagination. Even after doing something worthwhile even for a few minutes, when you self-reflect, it feels like nothing you did mattered.

As I self-evaluate:

  • Lethargic, no drive, no passion and no sense of belonging;
  • Everything seems so sad. All visual cues that may attribute to sadness, like gray or a lone leaf could bring thoughts that you will never be happy again;
  • Not in the mood to eat, you’re just forcing it because you have someone to eat with; and
  • Oversleeping and sometimes, insomnia.

These are very common symptoms of budding chronic mental disorder. I am so looking forward to next week to have a dose of vacation by the sea. Hopefully, nature and being with him will help me fight through this.