It Creeps

No matter how much I try to get out of this state, everything seems to be so hard, stagnant and dark. It only eases the burden when I am with my boyfriend but as soon as he’s gone, whatever I do, my mind just sulks me to my bed or on the couch, watching TV the whole day as if I do not have any chores to do or just stares at the ceiling, being drawn into this dimension that covers my whole body with dissent seclusion.

How do you bring back to your own senses when you feel like no hope is left?

This is just not an episode of bad mood. It has been ongoing for more than half a month and it is consistent. Surely if I consult, I will be tagged as another statistic of a young man undergoing depression. The recent events definitely aggravated it but hormonal imbalances would be the one of the culprits. I am thinking of pre-terminating the dose of one of the staple SERMs I am taking just to check if this drug causes it.

It is tiring, exhaustive and dragging. Each day, it slowly changes the way I perceive life, like a deafening silence that one by one, takes away those whom you used to love to do and be part of. More like walking towards a very dark, cold and long tunnel, but as you walk towards the fading light, it seems the end of it just moves farther away that most of the times, you just want to stop walking and just give-up.

At the end of the day, how much you try to forget those memories that may bring back the pain, the more it rushes to your imagination. Even after doing something worthwhile even for a few minutes, when you self-reflect, it feels like nothing you did mattered.

As I self-evaluate:

  • Lethargic, no drive, no passion and no sense of belonging;
  • Everything seems so sad. All visual cues that may attribute to sadness, like gray or a lone leaf could bring thoughts that you will never be happy again;
  • Not in the mood to eat, you’re just forcing it because you have someone to eat with; and
  • Oversleeping and sometimes, insomnia.

These are very common symptoms of budding chronic mental disorder. I am so looking forward to next week to have a dose of vacation by the sea. Hopefully, nature and being with him will help me fight through this.

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