Option #5

I will soon be back, but maybe not for you.

This has been stuck in my mind while I was walking along dela Rosa walkway while I gazed upon the color LED fixed on the ceiling. These remind me of how Christmas was so festive, how we were so festive. Not that I know of that behind those happy memories we shared, it was masked by selfishness. Admittedly, this was my fault. Maybe it’s one of the outstanding reasons I have been blaming myself how could it went down the drain?

Not for you because I am doing it for myself and the other who stayed.

It is wrong to compare whose side suffers more but so far, despite how much Jayvee and I cheer myself, it does not make any better or less painful. I heard people say that it shall pass, but for how long? This suffering could be self-inflicted or hormone-driven, but breaking the pattern where I am always the first one who steps out of the door slaps me with reality how painful it is to be left in awe.

I keep wondering why didn’t we succeed in choosing option 5? It was the safest and most appropriate. Looking back how we were during those days, we were so drunk in love. Didn’t we keep playing Beyonce’s album on loop the whole night? Because we thought it was appropriate and we thought we could fight what we were holding on to.

Apparently, someone’s got to give up and be firm to continue what was agreed upon that night when we decided to part ways while it was still fresh.

Oh they say people come, say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, celestial

I will definitely be back soon, but I will always be here for you.

Fading Light

As much as I want to hold on, it is time to let go.

There are still short moments while I am looking back at our pictures, I am still daydreaming where we are and what we are doing if we were still together because I fully admit, I still think of you. But for the past few days I was madly devastated, those memories are clouded by my sorrow, affecting my daily routine that I could barely function. After talking to some people while I am still holding on to my remaining sanity, I am finally overpowering this depression.

Maybe I will just keep that promise as a dream, a dream which I never could have. Those plans handwritten on the sand by the beach, washed away by placid current of tides and waves or maybe the gust of the wind will cover those as if nothing was written at all.

I am thinking if part of moving on requires you to forget people that have impacted your life would make it easier, even temporarily. Given that I have good eidetic memory, this is merely impossible to accomplish. So I guess I just have to suck it up and deal adulthood like a normal person who doesn’t give up easily because I have a life ahead of me.

As soon as I am stable, maybe I should just switch you off for now; this is always heartbreaking. Besides, there were no movements to your playlist, I guess you also stopped communicating.