It has been a while. Indeed, gradschool and work pressed my time that I lost track how long since I last wrote a decent post. So far, I am better, a lot better! After stopping my post-recovery meds and talked with him, things are much clearer now. Until I need to face another decision.
I have never been good in decision analysis – it could be why I prefer doing classification and regression trees (CART) because it help me decide for me. As it mimics a non-linear pattern of life, the nodes can simply tell you to leave or stay given all circumstances, predictors, feelings and other factors involved that could give you an overview what are the decision paths.
How could I be so weak on this and why am I being so selfish? I remember posting on which path should I take. This still stands until last night; whether I could be wrong or just excited to take a good leap of faith to the other who once left.
Seriously, I am afraid to end things with you. We were never perfect but we have always made it right. You have always been my support, with you being my strongman, you have never left my side, fought what we have and provided the most unconditional love I felt in my entire life. But why am I leaving you?
Just because I find a deeper stronger connection with somebody else, should I take a chance with the other? I know that at the back of my mind, if I don’t do this, it will always haunt you that you feel that we are temporary and just waiting for relationship to fail so I can start with the other. I’m sorry making you feel that that way, even it is unintentional, I could never deny it from you as you have always seen me within inside-out.
I admit that we stopped talking about our future somewhere in the middle of last year. Just like the song goes that “maybe sometime’s love just ain’t enough”. But if I stay, I could just be prolonging my selfishness that I could never give my full love, attention and time because the other keeps crossing my mind. I am pretty sure that if we really part ways soon, you’ll never be out of my mind, too which will be unfair to the other. Besides, whenever Cocoa licks my face in the morning or demands for a hug, it will feel like its coming from you because we both decided to get her and cared for her.
This post feels like I am going in circle. It is not surprising because until now, I still can’t decide. What we agreed upon last night was because of the guilt of hurting you as we go along if we continue and a mixture of another guilt that I will be leaving you soon despite all the things you have done for me.
But not everything is guilt. What makes it hard for me to do this is I have never loved you less. From the moment we shared together 2 years ago of October 31, I never bat an eyelid of hurting you.
Doing the countdown is hard. I will avoid doing so because I will be a crybaby (as I have always been) until that day that we end our story together. I just need a good sign, not reasoning, that what we decided is wrong.