Goodbyes Are Not Forever

Thank you for meeting me yesterday. I think that’s what I needed – the closure which we never had the last time we met because I felt like I was abruptly left in the dark, without any hint that you  were leaving.

Thank you for not being awkward when we were in the car, asking what has been happening to me, work, school and to us, Jayvee. You raised so many good points that have been sitting at the back of my mind. Clouded by heartache, I never considered moving on without you because I still have this igniting spark, which never went away, so I tenaciously dwelled on the idea that by downing myself with sorrow, I will just desensitize to the pain without considering that people close to me would be affected.

Thank you that you kept cheering me up despite I was having depressive suicidal thoughts because of low testosterone dip from recovery. That you kept insisting that even when you’re physically gone, you’ll always cherish what we had, smiling. Comparing to my despair that whenever I think of our times together, I’ll always hate myself for what has happened and left with no hope to carry on.

Thank you for not closing your communications with me. You know that I can freely open myself to you without any reservations. That I have found a good listener whom which I never imagined of had having a bestfriend – boyfriend. In due time, when I am better and I have picked myself from this mess, I’d like to meet with you again so I can proudly present how you made me better, on how you made my relationship with Jayvee better.

Thank you.

Reverberating Strength

Merriam-Webster defines strength as the quality or state of being strong, capacity for exertion or endurance. When it comes to overcoming heartaches, your emotional capacity really gets tested up to the point of breaking yourself apart or picking up yourself to be whole again because someone is there for you or may come soon to help you go on.

Find people around you whom you think they’re strong. These people reverberate good vibes helping you to be sane and put your feet forward slowly at a time. You may find hope in them that despite losing what they used to have, they never allowed pain to change them to be at their worst but by overcoming it and not overthinking that could make your feelings less accepting.

Regardless how much pain and disappointment you are enduring, you simply have to see it as the other end of spectrum to keep your heads and hopes up high looking forward to the day where you don’t feel tired anymore but rather proud because you’re definitely stronger than yesterday.

That one day, you’ll be reverberating strength to those who are in need.

Sunday, 4pm?

How do you feel meeting him?

Spoken like a true counselor. Last night I told Jayvee that he wants to meet me this weekend. That right moment when I received the text, everything came back – the fond memories, the laughter, the rush, and even the heartache and pain; so as staring at nowhere all night.

Jayvee was right. Even I tried to hide my emotions, specially during the first two weeks, I was in despair, felt each morning was dragging me just to breathe. But as day goes on, while listening to your playlist, even I have not started accepting our fate, I felt like that sketched mark was never improving at all. It seems like I was just getting to the pattern of not seeing you and holding you, but the pain never went away.

Why am I even melancholic? Jayvee was there all the time. As much as I deny it, he’s starting to feel like a safety net. I never thought that maintaining equilibrium would be easy with this setup.

So was it right that I agreed on Sunday? Definitely yes. The last night I had the chance to feel you was so swift that we didn’t have time to talk. I may not know what would happen this weekend.

Kung ika’y mawawala sa aking piling
Dinggin mo aking bilin
Lingon ka lang paminsan minsan
Dito lang ako
Di ako lilisan

Losing Battles

Three strikes and I maybe should just be out, out of your life.