A contact left the group.
Two weeks have passed yet your absence does not make it fonder, I still dwell on what might and could have been. Jayvee has been really supportive ever since; I don’t know where he gets the maturity, care and say, martyrdom but I truly appreciate everything he has been doing to make me feel secured, loved and never neglected.
Polyamory is definitely not on everyone’s plate which makes me wonder, if I am really that insensitive or just pushed to the verge of challenge that made this relationship a failure or on hold for the time being until things go back to being ‘normal’. I was never normal at the first place.
Remembering what you said that things changed – I became colder and did not act like I used to; practically saying that the spark went away. I did feel constricted and pressured but not because solely of you. Work and school were starting to get into my schedule plus meeting your expectations were making me more frustrated. I contemplated that if it doesn’t come out of me naturally, then maybe it is not noteworthy of trying because it still boils down that we may not be compatible. I maybe wrong but I do not believe this, it is still the unusual setup that we have agreed to be on this polyamorous-shit.
Have we been trained to believe that if our partner shows love to someone else, it means the bond we share is somehow weakened — less special because it’s expanded to include another person? I guess so, faithfulness is shaped by monogamy that we are tethered to the idea that you cannot love more than one person. Dispelling jealousy and sharing intimate moments in bed are different intricate permutations of complexity of polyamory but no need to discuss further since he’s fading away from me.
It could be true, that “Tale as old as time…” but this time it is not. Having a dysfunctional relationship with your ownself could affect everyone specially those who enter your intimate personal radii.
When people intertwine morals and beliefs with reality and expectations, things definitely change – that’s a hard fact! Not everybody could live a a fairytale-like lifestyle while breeding a monster within, but it just happened. Hence in a span of two weeks, deviation from the norm becomes a no-issue. This is neither exciting nor boring but more of a stronger passion to connect with someone, a spark which you can feel tingling in all parts of the nerve endings even at the tip of your hair follicles. This spark teaches you to become stronger hoping that in the next few steps of your life, you’ll cross paths again with a homogenous sense of belonging, not being dragged into this madness thinking that everything could be dealt with mediation and compromises.
Everything is blurry at this moment. I could just easily snap given that workload and school are pressing against I. Sometimes I wish a budding physicist announces that someone has explored the wonders of a multiverse, where in that dimension of space-time, things were better in your favor.
By the way, it was Alexander Chai’s 26th birthday yesterday. Not that I know of that Sasha could be your potential nickname. I also wish that you lived in that multiverse.
Thank you Robert for asking me last night what happened to my blog – it is up and running yet no updates. One of the reasons is that whenever I access the WP admin, the site becomes offline. Thanks to Cloudflare for caching so that the front end is still available. It came to a point that I gave up maintaining the SQL database. Either it is corrupted or some codes have been inserted without my knowledge when my website was attacked a few months before.
Nevertheless, it is a new year… a new start. *inserts duplication, emphasis and redundancy here*. Five days post 2014 Anno Domini, I said yes to a commitment to a younger Chinese 男孩, Yo – Chen Khin Kiat. I hope spelled it correctly.
Yo and Adrian
He does make up and is currently working as a wedding photographer’s assistant near where I stay. He messaged me first on Growlr last month (last year) and been seeing each other for a few weeks before I left for Manila for a short vacation.
To tell you the truth, I am half-hearted at first. Why?
- He is a half decade younger than my age. LOL sorry if I cannot stop myself from giving you algebraic word problems;
- He has not finished SPM or high school equivalent. Call me judgmental but I was in awe when I first heard this. When he explained what happened, my sympathies are with him now. Come to think of it, opposites attract, right?; and
- We have communication barrier. He speaks English poorly. I am in the process of learning Mandarin so we can communicate better. Yes, for the sake of love, if you must say.
Lastly, I have been single for the past two years. This new venture gives me a jittery feeling that I think I forget the feeling of diving into new challenges – emotionally speaking; considering that I used to have low emotional quotient. Bear with me, I have improved, yet, apathy is still my specialty.
Question: Am I invading someone’s privacy now?